My lowest point and then some …
Its been two years and I now feel like I am able to express it … my lowest point.
I remember it was 10:00 at night and I was sitting in the NICU holding my brand new baby boy. I was overwhelmed with happiness, anxiety and worry. I was sitting with my back towards the other mothers because I had just finished feeding my son and when I turned around all I seen was families. I sat there alone with my 9lb baby boy and watched as all these daddies sat with their new babies and their wives. The look on their faces .. I will never forget. It was amazing, they were so happy!! A rush of sadness came over me and I held it together … for my boy. I remember I looked down at him and he was peacefully sleeping, not a worry in the world.
That was my lowest point .. being alone and watching as all these mommies had someone to share such an amazing time with, as I sat there a young, clearly single, new mother. I will never forget that day ….
It was so overwhelming that I put my son back into his tiny little bed, made him all cozy and then I left the room. I needed to go for a walk, so I could pull myself back together and so I could speed the healing process up from my surgery. As I walked back to the NICU, I came around the corner and there he was … Now that he is gone I believe that God seen my sadness and sent him to me. He was truly my saviour. He looked at me and he smiled. It wasn’t a “not a clue what’s going on” smile, it was a “I’m here” smile!! I literally melted into his arms, I was so relieved he was there. I needed him and he came at the right time, just like he always did. Of course I cried, I just needed to cry and all he did was stand there and hold me up … When I had calmed down he was holding a bag and I asked what was in there and he said .. You weren’t answering my texts and I knew you needed me so I pretended that I was bringing you some stuff because I know its after visiting hours and I knew I needed an excuse and I just wanted to see you!!
Ryan and I didn’t get a lot of time together but the time we did have together was pure happiness. All I wanted was to celebrate the birth of my son but my sadness was getting in the way of that and Ryan changed that. Ryan always told me that .. it hurts now and sometimes it feels unbearable but one day it will hurt a little less and you will be able to accept it. I have accepted that, that time of my life is over and I have so many unanswered questions but I know I will never get the answers for, so I’ve let it go. I’ve also accepted that Ryan was here to show me that their are good guys in this world, he showed me that I am worth so much more than an “I love you” text and I deserve so much more than a “all we are is friends having a baby!” Ryan is part of the reason I am okay with being a single parent. Ryan is not my sons biological dad but the few times the three of us have spent time together .. he was the father my son never had.
So if heaven had a phone and i was able to tell Ryan one last thing i would tell him Thank you!!